I’m in the backyard, watching the beautiful interplay of Light and Shadow all around me. A few birds are singing to each other and the most wonderful breeze drifts over me from time to time.
I’m relishing this Beauty and this Quiet with a steaming cup of coffee. My husband’s away, my daughters are still sleeping, my little dog is industriously moving clumps of dirt from one end of the yard to another (I’m not sure why she does this, but it is clearly important work as she engages in it every day and seems to find it purposeful), laundry is in-process and I’m blissfully alone.
I’m reflecting on the practice of Gratitude and how it shifts from being a natural response to a truly mindful endeavour depending on the stimuli.
Sitting here, now, with Peace in my heart, surrounded by nature’s wonder – I am filled with Gratitude beyond measure. Last week, it took conscious effort to keep reminding myself of all for which I’m grateful – and even then, I was ‘thinking’ gratitude and not ‘feeling’ gratitude.
The difference, I sense, is that mystical ‘space-between’. When I am feeling out of sorts, disconnected and stressed ~ the space-between Who I am and How I’m Behaving is a wide, dark, gaping chasm filled with the energy of desperation and survival.
When that space-between is in complete alignment with Who I Am, at essence, my heart is open and filled with the blessings Gratitude leaves in its wake.
Why is my space-between still influenced so easily, and powerfully, by the people or circumstances with, and in, which I find myself?
Why is it so hard for me to remain consistent in my state of being, responding to the ‘all of it’ from the essence of Who I Am?
With these questions in mind, I put down my pen and went back into the house to dry my hair, put the next load of laundry into the washing machine and give my little dog breakfast; I’m not yet sure of the nutritional value in dirt clumps and feel I should keep feeding her as a responsible precaution.
When I returned, my Journal was open to entries I had written on January 4 and January 5, 2016, Had the breeze riffled the pages in my absence?
On January 4th, I had expressed Gratitude for the day in general and also for several significant moments where I showed up in a certain way, contributing to beautiful outcomes.
On January 5th, I wrote about having the courage to ‘out myself’ in my belief in, and connection to, Angels. I did so in the comment stream of a blogger who was stepping more fully and openly into bringing this realm into the open so others might benefit from support of which they’re presently unaware. She was feeling scared and insecure and I shared my experience in this realm so she’d feel less alone and more connected.
I stepped into her Courage and shared support with my belief in Angels and Reiki. It felt right ~ it still feels right, though I don’t exactly know why.
I then went on to write,
I have been running other people’s races. I’m about to run my own. I’m ready. And while I have no idea where the Starting Line is, I’ll know it when I’m there. I’ll know it when I’m there.
Good Lord, seven months later and I’m STILL running other people’s races.
This beautiful breeze did not flip my Journal pages to these entries, my Angels did ~ and I know this for two reasons.
One, the breeze is not blowing in a direction that would flip these pages back in time, the pages would have flipped to the other end of my Journal where the pages are still blank; the story still unwritten.
Two, immediately after the January 5th entry – I’d drafted an outline of a potential blog series or book, as that evening, seven months ago, the idea for creating it rose into my consciousness. It felt powerful at the time and I recall filling with a sense of purpose at the opportunity to maybe help others. Soon after, fear crept in and the discomfort I felt about sharing the subject matter and where it might take me led me away from this creation; no further action was taken.
This is my Starting Line. This is the race I need to run. This is the Ending and also the New Beginning. Seven months later, I must not walk away from the sound of the starter’s pistol, for to do so will keep me here in limbo, wondering why I’m not more consistent in feeling in total alignment with my Self, the essence of Who I Am.
A little white butterfly is fluttering all around me and the breeze is creating beautiful displays of Shadow and Light.
I’m grateful for this morning reflection, grateful for the Angels’ gentle illumination of my next step and also for the knowing that striving to keep Love Alive is probably no place for sissies …