I need you like water, like breath, like rain …

At the Water's Edge Kindred Spirit with this bird Hiding from the world.

At the Water’s Edge
Kindred Spirit with this bird
Hiding from the world.

I’ve been paying attention to repetitive behaviours of mine as part of my Mindfulness practice. As I determine what I wish to release, I’m paying attention to things I say and do that come from a conditioning over time; automatic reactions that, if mindful attention were given, responses might change.

Something I have found myself saying a lot lately is, “I need to run and hide,” or “I want to hide from the world,” or “If only I could hide.”

Upon reflection, I realize what I mean is that I’m experiencing an overwhelm of some kind from which I desire to escape. Paradoxically, I don’t desire to ‘hide from the world’ at all. In fact, it’s the noise and distractions I seek to avoid; I want a deeper connection to the world and to feel that I’m a more significant part of it.

On the day I took the picture above, I felt so connected to the seagull. I’d walked the water’s edge amongst many others enjoying their day by the lake. The conversation and activity all around made the place alive – the energy of which was manifesting for me as a slow, desperate suffocation.

I needed peace, I needed quiet, I needed to hear the water lap against the shore, the birds squeaking amongst each other, the feel of the grass beneath me as I unfolded myself to the Mercy of Nature.

At the Water’s Edge
Kindred Spirit with this bird
Hiding from the world …

I smiled at the seagull as I imagined him hiding behind the embankment in hopes no one would see. And I kept wandering along the water’s edge, honouring his need for solitude as I sought out my own.

At the Water's Edge Soothing solitude I seek No one knows I'm here.

At the Water’s Edge
Soothing solitude I seek
No one knows I’m here.

I am grateful for the attention Introversion has been given over the last little while. It has not only helped me to understand myself a little better, it has also made me more confident and assured about setting, and protecting, boundaries I need.

I enjoy the company of others and do well in a group for periods of time; many challenge me when I share that I’m an Introvert. This is not a label I wear like a Tiara, claiming to be special or important in any particular way. I find it helps people to better understand why I quietly withdraw from gatherings or events after a period of time. (“You can’t leave now, the party’s just getting started.)

Stating who I am and what I need prevents people from taking my behaviour personally. I didn’t leave early, or not show up at all, because of anything you did – I left because I was depleting by the minute, I was finding it harder and harder to breathe; the energy and the noise slowly suffocates me. I left to abate anxiety and to sink into the healing solace of silence, quiet, stillness, solitude.

[Quiet], I need you like water, like breath, like rain. I need you like Mercy from Heaven’s gate …

So, as I walked the water’s edge, happy for the seagull and hoping I’d find a refuge of my own, I felt in my heart that I was closing in on something special.

At the Water's Edge Trees bow, waves lap, green grass grows Quiet fills my soul ...

At the Water’s Edge
Trees bow, waves lap, green grass grows
Quiet fills my soul …

Imagine my joy to discover I’d been led to exactly where I needed to be.

2 Comments

  1. I love that you’re embracing this side of yourself. As a fellow introvert, I can certainly relate. I’m drawn to the water’s edge frequently myself.

    [Reply]

    Reply:

    Thank you Kim – I do feel that we are Kindred Spirits in so many ways. I’ve recently felt the nudge to move away from the edge and to step into the flow. I’m exercising Trust in a big way now as I’m stepping in – with absolutely no idea what awaits me. For the first time, though – I’m more excited than scared; this is progress.

    [Reply]

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